Cry no more tears
by Sydpanball22
Summary: As max and logan struggle through the virus and all of their conflicting feeling Max finds a new place to escape to...
1. Default Chapter

Touch. So simple thing, but... But it's so important to her, to me, to us. Bling said that I shouldn't get discouraged just because we can't kiss, because I can't caress her silky skin, or because I can't -- we can't make love. He tells me that we can still be together, that love should overpower it all but... That's not what this is about. It's about her not wanting to stand near me. It's about how I wanted to die when I watched her seize but couldn't comfort her because of the steely look in her eyes. To me it doesn't make a difference if I die. I would rather die a thousand deaths, endure years of torture, and live in a world of darkness if it meant being with her for just one more moment. If it meant being with her one more time. It wouldn't have to be a kiss, a stroke, a touch. Just to have her in my arms once more would be enough. To be able to smell her hair, to feel her breath, to listen to her heartbeat. For that I would die forever.

It kills me that every time I see her she seems so hateful, so bitter towards me. As if it's my fault that we're both drifting. I suppose it is my fault. I feel her slipping away. It's like I'm holding water in my hands and I'm watching it fall in-between my stretched fingers, to fall away forever... and not even cupping my hand to keep it longer. But I'm so scared. Scared that if we become close again the pain when we can't be together will be even worse. 

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I miss him so much. I miss walking past him and nonchalantly brushing my shoulder against his arm. I miss "accidentally" touching his fingers when passing things to each other. I even miss leaning over his computer chair to read the screen. I never knew I could miss anything so much. Actually, I knew I could, in Manticore I missed him. I missed Logan. Now that I'm out, he's right in front of me and I don't get it all back. I don't get our friendly banter, our chess games, our dinners... I don't get him. All I get is his body, empty words, and sad looks. 

I know his words are only provoked by mine. I know that I smart mouth him and keep my guard up now. I no longer treat him as I did before. Maybe I cause the space between us, through my fake indifference. But it's all I can do. I hate my goddamned body, my DNA, my makers. I hate all of them. I just wish it were different. Sometimes I imagine how it would be if I had never been selfish and persuaded everyone to take down Manticore. Zack would still be alive and Logan and I would still be together. It's a great dream. But that's all it is; a dream.

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I was the first person Logan turned to for help. It's sort of ironic how he turns to me, a quadriplegic, for help. I still remember his exact words. "Sebastian, I need help! This thing... Oh god Sebastian I need help!" He broke down crying and sobbing. The poor man, I feel so sorry for him. He's finally found a woman he loves and now he's not allowed to come into contact with her. 

Sometimes he really takes things for granted. I mean, in the beginning he could still use his arms, he could talk on his own. And then he got the exoskeleton but that wasn't enough for him. Finally the woman he loves comes back from the dead and all he can think about is not being able to touch her. He should just thank god he can still see her. He can hear her voice. Not all people are as lucky...

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They all see me as their heartless boss, but that's not how it is. I hear them talking even though they act like I'm deaf. I know that Max and her little boyfriend aren't allowed physical contact. Why, I don't understand but they just can't. Honestly, my heart goes out to the poor girl. It's hard to find someone that can love you the way that Logan loves her. 

I "bip, bip, bip" her to no end and I feel guilty. But this is my job. This is my life. I need food too. I need to pay for my apartment, for my clothes, for water and electricity. Sometimes I wish they would just see past my boss facade and see that I want to belong. To be one of them.

I look at what's left of the old Max as she walks in and I pity her. If I ever had kids I suppose I would want them to be just like Max, strong, independent, smart, tough. "Hot Run! Sector 9!" I toss the package to Max and she catches it easily. She glares at me but walks back to the door anyway. Poor Max, poor girl. I hope everything changes and she's ok again. She may hate me and she may be young enough to be my daughter but sometimes I pretend that I'm just like all the other people here. That she's my friend. 

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	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

DISCLAIMER: Fox, Boatman, Chickadee... blah blah woof woof...

SPOILERS: mostly for designate this but it can be plopped anywhere in season 2 so far...

AUTHORS NOTE: I just wanna say thanks to Jane fer beta-ing... and ummm.... sorry it took me so long to post this everyone... i had a serious case of dumbness and writers block....tee hee hee... Can u belive this season?! so maddening! ha ha... please R and R.... ive been getting some good reviews so far so readers keep it up and remember... be a responsible reader and review!

I listen to Logan try to keep his composure as he tells me what has happened. "I. . .I finally got her to come over to have dinner with me. But I ruined it. We're ruined. Please, Sebastian, have you found anything? Just. . .anything? I feel like. . .if we don't find a cure soon, it'll be too late..."   


We? Have I seen him here on the computer analyzing DNA sequences? No. If he keeps whining and disrupting me I'll never find *anything*. I sit here hour after hour to try to help him. To find the precious cure for him and Max.

"No, Logan. I haven't discovered one little thing." Although I've grown used to my own synthesized voice I still hate it. Logan takes too many things for granted. At least he can talk. 

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I pedal away from Jam Pony with the package stuffed into my backpack. It's going to sector nine. It has a home there. A place where it belongs. Damn, lucky package. 

I remember when I felt so much below the rest. I felt like I was stuck in a deep, dark hole filled with bogey-men and other monsters . I didn't care that all I could see was the darkness and it didn't matter that if I just tried I could escape it forever. That is, until I met Logan. He saw that I didn't belong in such a scary place, and he made me see it too. I love him for that, and I will always love him for making me see I was worth while... But I just can't stand it anymore. Yesterday I almost left Seattle... forever. But something stopped me. I don't know what it was but I have a feeling that it has to do with seeing those eyes. Those wonderful, green eyes. 

Eyes Only. That's all he sees. But that's not the way it is -- he's got a great heart to compliment those eyes. If only I could I would show him that his legs really don't mean a thing. I would take away all of his insecurities and hurt, all of the tears behind his eyes. But if I could do all that, I'd be able to find my family again, and get rid of this damn virus.

I'm scared of becoming close to him again. I'm afraid that if I see him as much as I did before I'll forget about it, that I'll see him and become overwhelmed with love. That I'll hug him, only to kill him. He just doesn't need this. He doesn't need me. He's better off without me. I'm just one huge risk.

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Sebastian has been looking for a cure and I'm just praying that he finds one soon. I feel myself becoming more and more lost. I hate Manticore so much for what they've done to us, how they've ruined us. But... At the same time I love them. I love them because they gave me Max. Without that terrible place of a building I would never have met this beautiful Superwoman. My beautiful Superwoman. 

Or at least that's what she used to be, mine. Now she's just the girl that haunts my very existence. She is the person that calls and makes my heart ache at the sound of her voice, that makes me melt at the sight of her. She is the elusive angel that I can never touch.

Every night the same dream torments me. I'm sitting at my computer when Max comes in. She leans on the doorframe the way only she could and her eyes sparkle, making her look even more stunning. She walks towards me and I gaze at the slight sway of her hips. Her footsteps are light, almost inaudible. She approaches my desk and her mouth curls up into a seductive grin. She blinks her russet brown eyes a few times. "Don't look so love struck, it's just me." 

Her voice mocks me and her hand playfully messes up my already wayward hair. She smiles at me once more and I watch her walk away. Nothing really happens in my dream but it represents so much. The touch, that touch. God, what I wouldn't do just to have her comfortable just standing near me. 

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I see the hurt behind Logan's eyes and I back away. At first sight I fell in love with the man. He seemed so different from the others. Caring. I think that's what set him apart from the rest. Not only does he care about the ones he loves but he also cares about the world. He loses himself helping others and trying to aid in making the world a better place. I only wish that he were mine.

Before I met Max the only thought I had was that this man, this caring man, would be mine. I spent  
weeks planning ways to capture his heart. At first it was small, making him see that I was a great person. But later I started plotting ways to steal him from Max, the "love of his life". Before I met her I didn't care who I hurt or how badly, because I wanted him so much. I have gone through so much; I deserve to be with the man of my dreams. 

But now I know her. We may not be friends but I see through her tough facade, I see that she has been through things harder than I can imagine. She deserves to be happy and to be with him. I know she doesn't need my permission and neither does he but... I need to know I'm alright with this.

For her I will back off and I hope she notices it. For him I will back off because he doesn't need anymore obstacles between he and Max. For me I will back off because I know I won't be able to deal with the hurt he causes when he rejects me. 

POST NOTE: Well im gonna remind u to review again... oh and... tell me whos POV i should try next... im TRYING not to stick to all the same people.., i only kept m and L cause theyre the main people.... and i kept seb. cause everyone said they liked him...... so yea.... suggestions are great! thanks fer reading this far though!


	3. hapter 3

It's over. The search is over. Sebastian found the cure. He found it. He put two and two together... and got the cure. Sebastian gave me the cure. I just can't believe it. It's so... surreal... 

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After weeks of fruitless searching i found the glitch in their virus. It had a cure. 

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Logan's beep is screaming through the house. Damn, max better get up and shut it off... I get up quickly. As i storm into the living room ready to scream i quickly stop as I see her.

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The world goes on and I go on but i notice Max and Cindy haven't come in. They're probably just being the slackers they were born to be. One days pay, gone for them.

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Max not come. I'm hungry. She not come with my food. Joshua hungry.

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It's over. The search is over. I found her. I put all the clues together and... I found her. I'm leaving, now. I'll miss Cindy but we'll keep in touch. I found Jondy and that's all that matters. Forget Logan's incessant beeping, forget Normal's idiotic bipping, forget everything... I'm leaving. Now.


	4. apter 4

WELL! after a VERY VERY long hiatus I've updated! I'm praying that you all haven't forgotten about slow updatin syd over here! PLEASE review... Im not shure if any one will actually read this because it's been so long. But, if you ARE reading... and you DO want more... than could you *please* review? thanks a bil!!!!!

So many years, so many days of loneliness, so many times I've turned looking for her voice. We were all so young when we left Manticore but we had made bonds that even the world's distance couldn't break. Max and I, we were always closest. We were so different, but always the same. Her brown hair with my blonde, her fiery brown eyes with my solemn blue. Yes, we were MaxandJondy, one person, always together. But as the alarms blared at Manticore we were ripped apart for what seems like forever.

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The Golden gate bridge, it's no beauty but as I look at is my heart seems to break. This is what I will have to call my new home, San Francisco. Just like the needle, it was once a majestic wonder, but now, post-pulse it's been degraded to a rusty, rickety, memory of the past. 

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I woke up that morning to find the apartment eerily silent. I looked around and almost immediately I knew what was wrong. Max was gone. May god protect her.

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I waited by the phone faithfully all night. Yes, that's what i did, being the puppy I am. Now, it's morning and I know she won't be calling. I'm resigned to it. Where did we go wrong? Is this simply the end? No goodbye, no hello, no more. 

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"Sir."

They all report to me in such an orderly fashion. I've hired several men, trained in numerous things, call them my substitute soldiers. They haven't proved their use yet, but I can't very well find the X-5's myself. But it's not the same as if i had real soldiers, my soldiers. These men don't understand why I need her, why i need them.

They were all my children but now they're lost. I know they're not afraid and I know they aren't alone. But I am. 

"We've located 452, sir. She's making contact with another of the X series."

My children, Max the most special of all. I remember the Nine-year olds I taught and looked at me with such faith and obedience. X5-210, Jondy they called her. She was only a mere shadow of 452, they all were. None, ever could compare to her grace, her beauty, her fire. But 452 looked at 210 with a look in her eyes, it could have been love, but they knew no such thing. Maybe it was need. 

"Two have been found in San Francisco. It looks like 452 and 210, sir! No, they have not been captured, sir. They are under close surveillance, sir!"

Yes, it was immoral. Yes, it was twisted. But yes, I loved them. 

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End file.
